You might be a Democrat if...
... you believe that a woman with a son in her womb should be able to choose to dispatch him to the grave, but a woman with a son in her arms should not be able to choose to dispatch him to the school of her choice.
... you’re more offended by George W. Bush in a flight suit than you were by Bill Clinton without his pants.
... you believe that government should subsidize your perversion of choice (i.e., gay “marriage”), but not your school of choice for your child.
... you believe that spending by government will create more jobs than investment by the “rich.”
... you had on your car an anti-Ollie North bumpersticker that read “Virginia is for Lovers, Not Liars” ... next to one advocating the election of Bill Clinton.
... you believe that John Ashcroft in the Justice Department poses a greater threat to liberty than Joe Stalin in the Kremlin.
... you believe that Clarence Thomas did it to Anita Hill, but Teddy Kennedy did not do it to Mary Jo Kopechne.
... you were more offended by Senator Trent Lott’s (R-MS) words to an old man on his one hundredth birthday than you were by Senator Robert Byrd’s (D-WV, and former KKK member) comments about “white niggers.”
... you think that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for ending the Cold War than Ronald Reagan.
... you believe that a litmus test on abortion is bad when applied by Republican President, but good when applied by a Democrat President.
... you believe that Clarence Thomas is a radical, but Ruth Bader Ginsberg is not.
... you believe that VMI should admit women on the basis of “equality,” and then amend its physical standards for those women.
... you think the UN is a fine institution, but the Boy Scouts of America is not.
... you’re more offended by a burning cross than you are by a burning flag.
... you believe that an all-white organization is racist, but an all-black organization is not.
... you think all-male schools are sexist, but all-female schools are not.
... you believe that Michael Moore’s book, Stupid White Men, is not autobiographical.
... you believe that allowing children to pray in school violates the First Amendment, but “campaign finance reform” does not.
... the plight of the spotted owl makes you well up with tears, but the playing of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” does not.
... you believe that the “War on Poverty” was worth fighting, but the Cold War was not.
... you are more threatened by guns in the hands of citizens than by guns in the hands of government.
... you believe that teachers’ unions have your children’s best interests at heart.
... you think Richard Nixon was corrupt, but Bill Clinton is not.
... you think Madonna is where she is because of who she slept with, but Hillary Clinton is not.
... you think the First Amendment protects burning the American flag, but not speech criticizing homosexuals.
... you think Hillary Clinton’s life is a model of feminist accomplishment.
... you think that animals should be protected by law, but human fetuses should not.
... you think that there was a vast right-wing conspiracy to get Bill Clinton, but no Communist conspiracy bent on world domination.
... you believe that more government spending will improve everything ... but the military.
... you look at the Iwo Jima Memorial and wonder why there wasn’t a black man there, but didn’t thank God for men such as these.
... you believe that Jerry Falwell should shut up, but Jesse Jackson should not.
... you got more excited about Bill Bennett’s gambling than you did about Bill Clinton’s perjury.
... you think Scooter Libby should be in jail, but Sandy Berger was dealt with justly.
... you think corporate executives are too powerful, but labor union bosses are not.
... you believe that the CIA is more of a threat to freedom than al Qaeda.
... you think that John Stewart and Steve Colbert are incisive and balanced political analysts, but Brit Hume is a partisan hack on an illegitimate network.
... in the 1950s, you were standing in the schoolhouse door to keep black children out, and in the 2000s, you are standing in the schoolhouse door to keep black children in.
... you didn’t find this column hilarious ... and just a little bit tragic.
And just to turn the tables a little more directly, a few variations on "Democracy in Virginia's" theme:
You Might Be A Democrat If...
... you believe the Kennedy's have helped more people than Bill Gates.
... you've named your kids "Dweezil" and "Moonbeam."
... you've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just given a higher minimum wage, historical evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.
... you've ever assumed that someone was a political ally based solely upon the color of their non-White skin.
... you've ever tried to prove Jesus was an advocate for the Liberal welfare state.
... you oppose the death penalty for guilty criminals, but not for innocent children.
... you think Ronald Reagan was "just another two-bit actor."
... you think that money freely given to political candidates is a greater threat to the American political system than money forcibly extracted from workers by union bosses.
... you think you might remember laughing once as a kid at a racial joke, and now you feel guilty about it.
... your idea of a party is smoking weed and popping pills, but only after you have a good, anti-capitalist protest.
... you call any Republican --- or anyone to the right of Mao --- "far right."
... you've ever said "You can't legislate morality," but you support law against racial and sex discrimination.
... you've ever uttered the phrase, "War never solved anything."
... you've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
... you've think that "Tootsie" was a breakthrough for the transgendered community.
... you believe that there is a "Man."
... you think "Brothers and Sisters" reflects reality, except for that far-right chick dating the Senator.
... just for grins you fax the FBI a list of "Terrorists in my Neighborhood," but it's a list of registered Republicans.
... you read Heather Has Two Mommies to your children, but read Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, and didn't get it.
... you scream "Gore Won Florida!" while making love.
... you've argued that Andy Warhol was an artist.
... when people say "Lennon," you're not thinking of "John."
... you've ever yelled, "Chill out, dude."
... you're under 35, but still claim to have been at Woodstock.
... you argue that peace activists have done more to protect freedom than guns.
... you believe that Vietnam was a spontaneous people's uprising.
... you point to U2's Bono as a great political leader.
... you think that protecting the Nazis right to march in Skokie was a great day for civil liberties .... along with the day that McCain-Feingold was affirmed by the Supreme Court.
... you think that "An Inconvenient Truth" was a documentary.
... you've ever called health care a "right."
... you think that, when corrected for decisions about child-bearing, women still make only $0.74 for every dollar a man makes.
... you wonder why there's an Air Force Academy, a Naval Academy, and a Military Academy, but not a "Peace Academy," and don't realize that --- with the other three --- one is not necessary.
... you came of age in the '60s, and think that impresses anybody.
... you own a vehicle with a "Re-Defeat Bush" sticker.
... you think there's no such thing as "the liberal media," but are afraid of the "vast, right-wing conspiracy."
... you automatically reject any tradition, even though it has withstood the test of time
... you ever told a child that we must "respect other cultures," but contribute to ending female circumcision in Africa.
... you think a handout is just as effective as a hand up.
... you confuse Marx (Groucho) with Marx (Karl).