Monday, January 21, 2008

Nine Years Ago

A column from January 1999. A few reminders of what the Clintons brought us. Holds up pretty well, though the prediction about divorce turns out to have underestimated Hitlary's lust for personal power. Certainly, one should perhaps remember their reflexive defense of the Great Prevaricator when some moonbat attacks President Bush and his Administration regarding his national security efforts on the ground that the has "destroyed the rule of law."

The Speech The Great Prevaricator Should’ve Given

Below appears a staffer’s early draft of Bill Clinton’s 1999 State of the Union Address. Dismissed shortly after the final speech was delivered on 19 January 1999, the staffer was acquitted on charges of tax evasion. It was discovered in the ruins of the Clinton Presidential Library and Adult Book Store in Little Rock, two weeks after its burning and looting in the Revolution of 2012, a precursor to the re-Founding of the United States of America. Had it been delivered, countless lives would have been spared in the efforts to restore the rule of law so casually discarded during the Clinton Interregnum.

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Gore, Mr. Chief Justice, distinguished guests, and my fellow Americans:

I stand before you tonight in fulfillment of my constitutional duty to report annually on the State of the Union. As my final speech before you, I will speak the truth. Believe it, or not.

We’ve had sustained economic growth for nearly eight years — since before I got here — resulting in the first budget surplus in thirty years. Ronald Reagan was right: we can grow our way out of deficits, with spending controls and tax reductions. Not that we would have had the latter without a Republican majority in Congress, and Alan Greenspan.

We are at peace, though brushfires tax our resources and require maintenance of a standing military far in excess of historical norms. This remains the burden of the world’s sole remaining superpower and the last best hope of mankind. Despite my best efforts to gut the military, destroy its esprit de corps, diminish the preparedness of our youth to serve, and exchange our technological superiority for campaign contributions from the Communist Chinese, our youth, military, and the GOP Congress continue to meet the burden of our defense.

That having been said, I must now turn to the most pressing matter at hand: my own butt.

My spinners and apologists have spent more than twelve months defending me, repeating everything I told them. After all, what we’re doing is too important to pay attention to little things like honor, integrity, and the rule of law.

The fact is, I lied. In case you hadn’t noticed, I lie even when the truth will suffice. I lied through my teeth, both at the Jones deposition and before the grand jury.

I didn’t do it because I was embarrassed. Anyone who believes that apparently wasn’t there when I answered the “boxers or briefs” question.

I didn’t do it to protect my family from embarrassment. Hillary doesn’t care who I fool around with. The simple fact is, Hillary’s here for the power. Always has been. Any self-respecting woman would have left long ago.

The same goes for my staff. What chumps! Even when they learn the truth, not one has the dignity to resign. They just keep coming back for more. Remember Kevin Bacon in “Animal House”? “Thank you, sir. May I have another?”

House Democrats, and apologists in academia? They give buffoonery a bad name. Just a bunch of Libs defending another Lib. Word’s leaked out that three House Dems are joining my defense team in the Senate. So what else is new? They were my defense team before there were charges.

The only reason I’m still here after over a year of what for anyone else would be unremitting public humiliation is because I want Algore — excuse me, Vice President Albert Gore, Jr. — to have the opportunity to serve for ten years, if you’re truly stupid enough to elect that environmentalist wacko once, let alone twice. That, and I didn’t want to yield the pulpit from which to practice the politics of personal destruction against those who have known the truth about me since the beginning.

But hey, I made it twice, though never with a majority. Momma said “Anybody can be elected President.” I’m living proof that she was right.

But if witnesses appear, even Tom Harkin and Bob Torricelli will have to face facts. I’m not going to be able to get by with the fatuous argument that I’m so weird that what most people would consider sex isn’t sex, or that I’m such a narcissist that I didn’t touch Monica’s most intimate of areas, and she just serviced me.

If the facts receive a full airing, I should be removed, though those fools in the Senate might be so blinded by hatred for the GOP that they might still vote to acquit. Heck, you Republicans are so gutless, some of you might vote for acquittal.

Can’t risk that, though. Since I lied, I’ll be disbarred. My PI, Terry Lenzner, tells me that Hillary’s lawyers have divorce papers ready for filing the day after I leave the White House. Upon removal, I’ll have no pension, no income, no license to practice law, millions in legal bills, and no wife to earn a living for me.

So I’m getting out. I hereby pardon myself for all crimes committed, and effective at one minute after noon tomorrow, I hereby resign the office of President of the United States. Maybe then I can get some tail in peace.

No comments: